The great thing about being a fascist and a socialist is that I get to tell people what to think and IT’S FOR THEIR OWN GOOD. Yes, that’s right, folks. Your own opinions and feelings are hazardous to your health, and I am here to save you from yourselves.
So with no further ado (mainly because I am an awful writer), I begin presenting the top 10 albums/musical artists that no one will be allowed to listen to, even if this were a democracy, which it’s not.
#1 - Billy Joel
Unfortunately, my limited writing skills will not allow me to describe the loathing all should feel for Billy Joel. I really can’t say much more. Since everyone here agrees with me (nudge nudge) I will let your comments help define our collective rage at this man’s existence.
I can only get a handle on the bottomless depths of this man’s horrifitude if I compare him to an artist that may be our savior against one so foul. Tom Waits. Tom can show us the path of the true down-and-out piano bar beat-poet. Tom engenders the feelings of the lost souls he sings of in an attempt to forgive, validate, and lift up. Billy Joel uses stories of the hard luck to make upper-class white people feel like they have a soul, just for a moment, just long enough to make a buck off the image, then wipe his dick on it, and throw it in the gutter.
I don’t know, just thinking about Billy Joel upsets me so much I can’t write anymore. Please please, hear what I am trying to say, and say it for me. This burden is simply too much to bear.
16 Comments »
oh my god. someone who likes billy joel more than tom waits? that’s like, oh, i don’t know… liking boone’s farm over merlot. philistine. i can’t breathe.
ps. dave…best post ever. i truly adore you.
Haven’t you seen Sideways? If you had, you’d know that merlot is for philistines.
I half-expected to log in today and find that Christine’s name had been removed from the list of writers, and that all of her posts and comments had been deleted — as well as a post from Joie saying how important it is for all of us to show Tom Waits our unconditional support.
it’s very funny that there is a “get free billy joel song downloads” link in the banner running alongside this post.
yes, tom waits rulles and billy joel drools.
but how about rod stewart? can he be banned too?
Rod Stewart is definitely on my list, although he may not make the top 10. The Small Faces were somewhat redeemable.
“rulles”?
oops. let me correct.
i meant tom waits rules, billy joel droools.
extra letter for emphasis in the wrong place.
i don’t expect to be forgiven for typographical errors though.
not here.
xo
In trying to think of other nominees for this category, I’m struck by the degree to which BJ blows in a league by himself. I kept trying to recall other easy to despise performers - Michael Bolton, Richard Marx, the aforementioned Rod the Bod, to name a few - and aside from Bolton (who is actually an evil space robot), none of them belong in the same sucky category as the Piano Man.
Part of the criteria to appear on my list is that the artist must be widely popular, and have little artistic integrity. Richard Marx has received the fate he deserves. Obscurity. Rod the Bod was a genuine rock and roller at one point in time so that *may* redeem him. I think Michael Bolton knows exactly how good his music is, and just takes the paycheck home to the family. Think about songs that make you want to put screwdrivers in both your ears, and the ears of the person who composed the song.
Kenny freakin’ G
Part of the criteria to appear on my list is that the artist must be widely popular, and have little artistic integrity.
Fall Out Boy?
Weezer?
Evanescence?
Dianne Warren, for Crimes Against the Aerosmith Legacy?
The only argument I can state is that there are a couple artists worst than Billy Joel, and that’s only because Piano Man is a decent song. But, Billy Joel does suck ass very bad!
Please be sure to include Bob Segar, Journey, REO Speedwagon, Lynyrd Skynryd, and, (pretend as if I am shouting this!!!) that stupid mother fucker!, who sings So You Had a Bad Day. Fucking bastard mother fucker! I hate that damn song worst than We Didn’t Start the Fire, Only the Good Die Young or whatever horrendous tripe Billy could conjure. Now I’m pissed too.
Color Me Bad.
“They wanna sex me up…” Don’t you love them?
two words: john mayer. ah, the loathing i feel. i can’t take it anymore.
[...] music, along with such examples as Billy Joel’s transition from organ-mauling metal singer to piano pop balladeer that Dave dislikes intensely, and Eric Clapton’s move from heroin-soaked underground guitar hero to “that guy who [...]
RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI
Comment by Christine — December 16, 2006 @ 5:05 pm
Let me be the first to rebel against the regime and state that I prefer Billy Joel\’s voice to Tom Waits\’. Not all of us worship Tom
However, I nominate Sarah Brightman for your series.