I am not referring to the fantastic Gogol Bordello, whom i just saw tear Milwaukee’s Turner Hall ballroom a fresh asshole. No. See, Gogol Bordello play gypsy music. An accordion is appropriate and mandatory for gypsy music. No, i’m talking to all of you god damned NPR-approved alt-country Americana indie-folk motherfuckers who strap a fricking squeezebox around your shoulders whether the music warrants it or not. YOU ARE NOT “ROOTSY.” YOUR BULLSHIT ACCORDION PLAYING IS A GODDAMN AFFECTATION.
I’m specifically referring to you, Dusty Rhodes and the River Band, who opened for Gogol Bordello tonight. You are bullshit. You and your “hey everyone! I’ve got a revolutionary idea! Let’s start an indie country band with like six band members and violin and accordion and other such non-traditional rock instruments! And we’ll act like we tour in a Volkswagon and bathe with patchouli! And we’ll grow mustaches and tour with Blind Melon!” (Fucking seriously? Blind Fucking Melon?) “Because there aren’t approximately 75,649 other bands doing the exact same thing!”
That shit where you name your band after a living legend of the National Wrestling Alliance, but don’t have a single lyric as beautiful as “I’m the man of the hour/too sweet to be sour?” BULLSHIT. That shit where you are nowhere near as pummeling as a bionic elbow? UNACCEPTABLE. That part where you actually said on stage “if we all believe, you, me, and Obama will legalize marijuana!“? Out of all the cocks in the room at that moment, sir, yours was the one screaming to be punched the most at that particular moment, you god damned hippie.
When you said, “I have good news and bad news. We have one more song…” i responded by yelling “what’s the bad news?” The dirty looks were worth it! (And besides, you really set yourself up for that one, you douche.)
The only way i could hate you more is if you called yourselves “Handsome Harley Race” and didn’t write a song called “Someone Take the Damn Money.”
But mostly, it’s the goddamned accordion. Seriously, people. You’ve taken a once-marginalized, quirky and underrated instrument–one that can be truly beautifully manipulated to express true and singular emotions–and made it boring. BORING. YOU TOOK AN INSTRUMENT THAT ONCE WAS ONLY SEEN IN POPULAR MUSIC IN THE HANDS OF “WEIRD AL” YANKOVIC AND MADE IT BORING.
HOW DID YOU DO THAT.
ALL OF YOU.
FUCK YOU.
DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE
11 Comments »
*stands up and applauds vigorously*
But DJ….how do you REALLY feel?
I feel like cockpunches are candy and i’m driving the blue van.
I cringed so hard at the obama pot statement. Boo. You should have cockpunched him. I liked the asian guy though.
all true. and very funny. BUT…devotchka kicks ass. talk about gypsy music. huzzah.
I saw Devotchka last month and i agree wholeheartedly. So good!
BWUAHAHAHA, oh man, nothing makes my day like cockpunching a hippie high on indie pretension.
Stetson - you’re welcome to come visit me in Boulder any damn time you’d like. i can’t handle them all by my lonesome.
Woah, okay Vice Magazine.
ahhh! the sweet, sweet balm of hate… it fills my lungs like a healing potion, quaffed of bitter rage!
Well spoken sir, leave the earth razed and the accordians defiled.
Also: cockpunch!
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Comment by M'ris — June 12, 2008 @ 12:36 am
Welcome home, Rageasaurus. We missed you.