I doubt that anyone reading this needed to hear this from me, but here it is anyway: Avril Lavigne’s new album is no good. If you’re the sort of person who likes to be told things that you already assumed were true, you and this review are already great friends.
 
But why, exactly, does Avril Lavigne suck? After all, I’m no stranger to this defense when reviewing an album like this: “You can’t possibly review this band because they’re not meant for you.” Superficially, this tack of argument is appealing. After all, I’m not a teenage girl, which is obviously the demographic this album is aimed at, with songs like “Girlfriend” (about a girl who wants to be a guy’s boyfriend), “Contagious” (about a girl who likes a guy), and “Hot” (about a girl who likes a — tune in next week!).
 
The problem with that point of view is that it, much like Avril’s writing partners and the producers of this album undoubtedly do, assumes that teenage girls are idiots. I was a teenager once. I know that they are often ruled by hormones and angst, and that’s okay. But it is perfectly possible to make a great album for a teenage audience that does not pander so quickly and severely to the lowest common denominator.
 
We’ll even make it especially fair to Avril by using her chosen genre as an example. The pop punk scene doesn’t immediately make one think of brilliant music, but there are bands out there who have used it very effectively. Consider The Descendents, particularly the breakout “Milo Goes To College”. The song “Clean Sheets” is a pop punk masterpiece, a fun-sounding lament about a familiar teenage topic — in this case, tough love and heartbreak — that isn’t idiotic or formulaic. Ditto for other tracks like “Parents” and “I’m Not A Loser”.
 
Over 20 years later, we can be sure that young Avril has taken no heed of her forefathers. Every single goddamned song on the CD is simplistic, predictable, and repetitive — completely interchangeable with the one preceding it, both lyrically and musically. Random additions of some misplaced piano or a call-and-response section try and break up the monotony, but they’re painfully obvious for what they are. Underneath, the chord progressions and lyrical sentiments remain the same, over and over and over again. The nicest thing you could say is that most of the songs are catchy on some level, but when you’re using the same tried-and-tested hook over and over again — one that we’ve heard a million times before — the catchiness only lasts for the duration of the song; it is instantly forgettable. Which is great for me.
 
I realize at this point that I’ve devoted little of this review to what the disc actually sounds like, but really, what’s the point, other than to satisfy my more masochistic tendencies? Take one of Lavigne’s songs — really, any one will do — and play it 10 times. Throw in a slower, more ballad-like song and play it once or twice. Mix well (not well, actually — you’ll need the sound of overproduction), and throw in an occasional inexplicable faux-British accent. Congratulations. You’ve recreated “The Best Damn Thing”, and you didn’t have to do your damndest to avoid the disapproving gaze of the checkout guy at the record store to do it.
 
Sadly, Lavigne’s core audience does not care that her new album is trash; in fact, they’re happy. Shrewdly, effortlessly, she and her producers give them exactly what they want. “Iiiiiii don’t haaaave to tryyyyyyyy!” Lavigne screeches on a track bearing the same name. Truer words have never been spoken.
 
Release date: April 17, 2007
Label: RCA
Rating: 2/10

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