I was doing a mean piece on the Backstreet Boys Unbreakable, and also a not entirely obsequious, but relatively positive review (’positive’ in that this album doesn’t make me want to punch an infant) of Ween’s La Cucaracha. Neither was working until I realized while driving around one night (what is it about driving?) that there are so many similarities between the two bands that not only should I review them concomitantly, but a) tax everyone’s ability to tell the difference between good contrivances and bad ones, and b) give everyone flashbacks to the dreaded SAT’s and ACT’s.
The idea is simple: I have culled bits and pieces of both of my reviews of these two divergent yet oddly alike albums (slightly edited for maximum ambiguity), and put them in a linear narrative with each paragraph [potentially] about one or the other with a multiple choice qua choose-your-own-adventure twist at the bottom of each (for most amusing results, don’t listen to either record first, if you haven’t already done so).
Best out of 10, see how you do. And the results may surprise you…
Ween is one of history’s most stupifying, and [insert answer 1 here] hilarious bands. Try as you might it’s impossible to be indifferent to them unless you’ve never heard of them, thus [insert correct answer 2 here]. Maybe you noticed them in passing on Beavis and Butthead when ‘Push the Little Daisies’ was the only song they had, but since then they’re done a thing or two worth mentioning, and the best cuts off of La Cucaracha are part of that pantheon. The ones that don’t work are, at least, admirably in-character.
1a) intentionally, 1b) politely, or 1c) accidentally
2a) you hate soft pretzels and angels, 2b) you need to take stock of your life, or 2c) your grandmother sucks eggs.
Then there are the Backstreet Boys, one of history’s most stupifying, and [insert answer 3 here] hilarious bands. Try as you might, it’s impossible to be indifferent to them unless you have never heard of them, thus [insert correct answer 4 here]. If you are one of the rare, uninitiated specimens, then pray that their latest effort Unbreakable doesn’t break your lucky streak, because…
3a) intentionally, 3b) studiously, or 3c) laugh-when-you’re-supposed-to-cry
4a) you’re fortunate, 4b) you don’t know what you’re missing, or 4c) you’re a hater
Those were giveaways… now starts the real exam:
5. When a band decides to provide listeners with a unifying theme, it sometimes signals a concept album. Not so on the latest. Every song may technically be about ‘relationships’ and each belongs between its predecessor and follower (the juxtapositions are sometimes jarring, but they work), but that by no means signifies that what has been done is above well-managed chaos. And while the question, “does this album show progress since their last release,” is moot, it is valid to ask if, within each song, are they using the full force of their abilities? In a few cases, yeah, and in others, sorta.
The above paragraph best pertains to a) Backstreet Boys, b) Ween , or c) all of the above?
6. Having a product is one thing. The name itself will sell a few units, but there has to be something to win over a few fence-sitters. What with songs about a forlorn Starbucks employee (they sing, “The day has begun, she lies at the door, serving up frap’s until she can’t take anymore” - ‘fraps’ is emphasized), they know how to amuse. And offend. The song is called ‘One In A Million’, ostensibly geared towards giving lowly 9-to-5′ers a break, as if a rockstar would swoon over a down-on-her-luck cog in the machine. But what it really does is make the small fry just a little smaller for being the subject of perverse and condescending infatuation. Can we not play along? I dunno, sounds like date rape to me…
The above paragraph best pertains to a) Backstreet Boys, b) Ween , or c) all of the above?
7. The album starts uncharacteristically, that is, with a touch of class. Of course, it doesn’t last long. The rare instrumental prelude eventually devolves into electronic studio fuckery, punctuated by a robotically-fast drum solo that the band couldn’t be bothered (or, more accurately, chose not to bother) to disguise as something involving human intervention. Brilliant, in their own way.
The above paragraph best pertains to a) Backstreet Boys, b) Ween , or c) all of the above?
8. And things get stupider from there. The lyrics are so obviously tailored to be as dumb as possible, such that a good laugh can be had by anyone half-aware that the joke is in the lyrics, just as much as it is in the mere existence of the band. How could this have lasted for so long? Is it because of the masses’ good taste? A thirst for catharsis? Or, more likely, the need for more of the same from lovable fuck-ups.
The above paragraph best pertains to a) Backstreet Boys, b) Ween , or c) all of the above?
9. The oddest thing about these songs is that they so closely court becoming actual songs to be taken seriously. A straight face here, obscuring blatantly obvious intent there, and omitting lyrics like, “Later on when we were under the covers, I closed my eyes then I drifted to sleep, I dreamed about me maybe throwing a party, and just how great that would be,”, and we’d be hearing their songs everywhere from the smooth jazz station, to R&B hour to Electronica Up All Night, and all points in between.
The above paragraph best pertains to a) Backstreet Boys, b) Ween , or c) all of the above?
10. Never afraid to use a well-established cliche with the vigor of having written it themselves, the music and lyrics are contrived to sound as close as possible to everything you’ve already heard in the genre, altered just enough so that it can be legally packaged as ‘new, original material’. Of course, plenty of it is nonsensical, the lyrical equivalent of the Rorschach test with lame imagery replacing lamer narrative when ‘do’ and ‘you’ have been rhymed too many times. Take ‘Everything But Mine’: there is no reason why, “Walking along the sky,” has anything to do courting a lover, except that studies have shown that people who like cheesy, over-sampled love songs also like imagery about flying.
The above paragraph best pertains to a) Backstreet Boys, b) Ween , or c) all of the above?
The test is over. Now have the person sitting next to you check your work, hand it back and let’s see where you went wrong…
Unbreakable was never given a chance. The Backstreet Boys haven’t made enough PR blunders to jolt them into self-reflection, so they continue to add more pabulum for the over-stimulated that involves the band members little beyond their picture on the cover. To be fair, there are a couple of tracks that feature what ancient hominids referred to as ‘instruments’, and the ‘Boys’ may actually be playing them, but I doubt it. Everything resembling authenticity got unnecessarily complicated in the mixing process, and anyone capable of playing it straight would also have been capable of writing better lyrics. Even the a cappella opening track (the originally-titled ‘Intro’) is evidence of their fecklessness: given studio treachery, anyone can layer one pitch-perfected voice onto another, but what can’t be hidden is sorry songwriting, which is everywhere on Unbreakable. Even if it is their own musicality on display, it’s as bastardized as their own voices, which, even then, should never be assumed to be theirs.
La Cucaracha is just as carefully twisted, but it’s funny because it comes from funny guys (and the sound of the instruments is [mostly] genuine). If Unbreakable had been made with a hint of tongue-in-cheek, then you could easily imagine them laughing throughout the whole thing (instead of just on their way to the bank) - if Ween had made the exact same album it would have been a sidesplitter. Not every track on La Cucaracha is a success - the best moment, by far, is the smooth jazz closer ‘Your Party’ - and on the whole falls short of their best work. But even within the Ween idiom there are some surprises worth your money, like ‘Object’, which takes what you think is Ween hamming up male chauvinism and taking it to a cold, disturbing homicidal finale. Not Ween at their White Pepper best, but Ween doing a very good job at being Ween.
LaCucaracha:
Rounder Records
October 23, 2007
Coleslaw/10
Unbreakable:
Jive
October 30, 2007
Destroy the Innocent/10
Answer Key:
1a
2b
3c
4a
5b
6a
7b
8c
9b
10a
2 Comments »
Yeah, more ‘labor’ than ‘of love’. It’s times like this when I envy people that get to listen to whatever they want to… oh, the irrecoverable hours spent listening to the BSBoys…
Sorry about the flashback.
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Comment by amber — November 14, 2007 @ 5:58 pm
hahaha, you thought WAY to hard about this. i would like to inhabit your brain for a day….
cleverly written!
i’m not ok with the SAT flashbacks though.