Ooh! Oooh! Can I go first?

My Chemical Romance’s new album is called “The Black Parade,” but it’s more like “The Black Hole” — an album so dense, so thickheaded, that nothing, not even the slimmest shread of an original thought, can escape.

Take, as an example, the lead single, “I Don’t Love You.” Over the most generic of possible backing, the kind that would come out of a Casio if it had a preset marked “Adult Contemporary Emo-Metal Ballad,” the singer — I can’t be bothered to look up his name, I don’t WANT to know his name — whines something about his relationship ending in a voice that’s a cross between the most strangled yelp ever to come out of Jack White’s throat and a cat in the process of being drowned and flayed at the same time. Seriously. Would YOU want to date this guy? Or have anything to do with him?

He reminds me of nothing more than the pizza guy who comes over to your house at 10pm to deliver your mushroom supreme, and you’re really really hungry, but instead of just giving you the freaking pizza, he starts telling you how his girlfriend left him, and his car keeps breaking down and if it does, he’ll lose his job delivering pizzas, and he won’t be able to pay the rent he owes his parents for living in their basement, and by the way, he’s in a band, and he gives you the CD, and then he finally leaves and your pizza’s cold, and you can’t even get it free because he got there within 20 minutes, it was just that he wouldn’t LEAVE.

And if you were to then take the CD he gave you and put it, not in your microwave where it belongs, but in the player, it would sound EXACTLY like this, except that it would be recorded in a garage instead of in a beautiful studio that now has to be both disinfected and exorcised.

At least kids aren’t listening to Nu-Metal anymore….. These melodies at least have 4 or 5 notes. I am reminded of the Top 40 Alannah Miles and Roxette shite I listened to when I was 10.

“Adult Contemporary Emo-Metal Ballad”

bahahahahaha! i want to write a song that fits that genre RIGHT NOW.

i think it’s just because i’m drunk though.

i really am drunk.

no, really.

Dude I totally saw that review today too!!! I have three words for us: INDIER-THAN-THOU! ha

and i quote: “Bonus: The lyrics are actually kinda sorta great.”

what? are they serious? is pitchfork hiring 16 year olds who cut themselves now?

“When you go
Would you even turn to say
‘I don’t love you
Like I did
Yesterday’”

what the hell does that even mean? i’m scared.

Just because you don’t like it doesn’t mean Pitchfork is out of touch. Like I said before, millions of people are buying this album so obviously it is well liked. They sing about real things and people need that.

That song is about domestic violence. Now you have to like it or you’re a jerk.

I think it’s reasonably well established that we’re all jerks here anyway, at least about music. ^^

But popularity isn’t a meaure of quality — millions of people buy twinkies too, but that doesn’t mean they’re real food and people need that. And just because an artwork has a good message doesn’t mean it’s good art. It still has to be expressed well. If we’re judging bands solely on their uplifting, morally inspiring messages, then the best band in history would be…Up With People, maybe.

Also, you’re a saint to put up with us, Elisa. Never forget that. ^_^

Elisa, there are a bunch of songs about domestic violence that I like–for starters, every one of the twelve songs on The Mountain Goats’ album The Sunset Tree, an album which, incidentally, got a wishy-washy review at the hands of a Pitchfork writer. If you think *we’re* jerks, behold the oh-so-sensitive way in which the Pitchfork reviewer handles the subject of the songwriter’s experience of abuse as a child: “Then again, invention often possesses a more beautiful narrative arc than retreating to your bedroom to block out a parental argument.”