It’s a little late for Best of 2007 lists, or is it? Most of my favorite releases have been touched on by others herein, and better, so instead I’m going to revisit the 5 most important musical events of last year:
1) Britney Spears - back on top: Teen-idol-turned-homebody Britney Spears put
the critics to sleep this year with her stunning return to the spotlight, Elvis-comeback-style. The reclusive mother of two had been living out of the public eye for much of the past two years, which earned a number of comparisons to Bob Dylan’s ‘middle period’. But out from anonymity came her hit album Blackout, which stunned audiences and critics alike from the opening salvo in which she bravely announces, “I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked… it’s Britney, bitch.”
2) Axl Rose chooses to spend the night popping pimples instead of releasing Chinese Democracy: the legendarily erratic lead singer of Guns ‘n Roses opted to stay in last Saturday night and squeeze whiteheads out of his forehead, and pop those weird, stinky polyps on his crotch, in lieu of unleashing the much-anticipated Chinese Democracy album. Rose’s publicity agent, Izzy Stradlin, said that while the album is nearly ready for release, Axl was also considering shaving and is soon expected to formally announce that Democracy will be posthumously released.
3) Radiohead sues fans for downloading new album In Rainbows: citing solidarity
with Metallica and Prince, Radiohead brought lawsuits against fans that downloaded the band’s new release before it could be released on CD and LP. A spokesperson for the UK megaband reminded fans that making music costs money, and that even if fans would pay, say, $0.05 to $0.99 a song, then Radiohead wouldn’t be forced to incarcerate downloaders who take the music for free.
4) Amy Winehouse’s personal troubles become 2007’s #1 source for good jokes: news networks and blogs had a field day all year with clever headlines about the troubled soul singer’s well-documented battles with substance abuse, husband Blake Fielder-Civil and being basically full-frontally fucked up. “They tried to make her go to rehab, and she said, ‘Yes, yes, yes’,” printed one skillful celebrity gossip blogger to much acclaim and cackling. Otherwise witless and quiescent commentators were also given voice by the diva’s many implosions, including Bill Smith who knocked co-workers dead at the offices of Progressive Insurance outside of Cleveland with the quip: “Looks like she’s really living up to her name. You know, like her last name is Winehouse, and everything.”
5) Superstarcastival garners website acclaim, beer: the #1 musical event of the year, the highly successful Superstarcastival, solidified both the reputation of the burgeoning website, and also the livers of most of the staff. “The whole weekend was amazing, the bands that played were great, and it was everything we were expecting and hoping for,” said Joie, who later admitted to not actually remembering anything after Delilah’s the night before. “Obviously a banner year for SSC,” she went on, “what with a successful festival and that high-profile Butler tiff and all.”
And that’s 2007! Already a long time ago…
4 Comments »
your version of #3 is brill, man. very amusing, all of it. well played.
I had to use google to figure out that you quoted Alan Ginsburg. I”M DUM!
Well, in your defense it is a little out of context… Spears & Beat not exactly apples to apples.
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Comment by Sam E. — January 18, 2008 @ 12:51 pm
As always, you are a funny, funny man.