After I got through making fun of A Phoenix Rising for the genres the claimed for themselves on myspace.com, I started looking randomly through myspace, trying to see what the absolute worst genre combinations I could find were. This amused me for a good couple hours during which I should have been doing homework, less the time that myspace’s half-working website crashed my browser and erased the first draft of this post. Maybe it will amuse you too. Here’s hoping it doesn’t crash your browser.

10: Kelly, who’s listed as Comedy / Techno / Electronica. It’s a guy who sounds vaguely like Fred Schneider of the B-52s saying things like “That is such a cute top” in his best Moon Unit Zappa impression over the kind of backing you find prerecorded on your Casio. I suppose it’s electronica, but I don’t think anything counts as comedy unless you’re “laughing with” rather than “laughing at.”

9. A band called Poison the Well claim to be A’cappella / Big Beat / Crunk. I’m pretty sure this is a joke, given that they are in fact a very bad metal/screamo band. It might even be funny if they weren’t so appallingly, send-you-straight-to-the-fetal-position awful.

8. Everyone’s favorite, Cobra Starship, bill themselves as Breakbeat / Afro-beat / Grindcore. I guess it depends on your definition of breakbeat, but I promise you the grindcore kids are in hysterics.

7. Enter Shikari, who are at least trying to be honest, are in theory Trance / Hardcore / Rock. In actuality, they sound like a trance programmer and a metal guitarist who have never spoken having a jam session in separate rooms. I think they’ve beaten out A Trillion Barnacle Lapse as the most schizophrenic band I’ve ever heard. Seriously, this sounds like your fifteen-year-old brother’s idea of a mash-up; he probably made it as a demo on the day he bought ProTools.

6. A band with the ill-advised name of Puscifer would like you to believe that they’re Experimental / Industrial / Lounge. I guess they’re industrial enough, but just standing in the shower pretending to be Trent Reznor doesn’t make you experimental. And they’re just making the lounge part up.

5. Someone whose name seems to be Andrew Landon (the profile makes it kind of hard to tell), insists that he is Other / Other / Other. I would have said, say, Pop / Electronica personally, but sometimes you just don’t want to be pigeonholed.

4. A Stoughton, Massachussets project who appear to be too shy to use their name show up in the listings as Rockabilly / Alternative / Black Metal. This is rendered even more amusing by the fact that their only song is an extremely mediocre gangsta rap track.

3. The immortal Crayola Eargasm claim to be Christian Rap / Death Metal / Comedy. In reality they’re like DIY / Recorded in Mom’s Basement / Annoying. They’re the kind of band whose biggest goal in life is to get big enough for Crayola to notice them long enough to sue their pants off. And trust me — these aren’t the kind of people you want to see without pants.

2. The Dublin, Ireland band e-republiq declare themselves to be Surf / Club / Electro. They’re glitchy enough to be electro, but they’re also living proof why Ireland is no longer the surf capital of the world.

1. And, unquestionably on top (or bottom) of the list, the French rapper Lexxcoop lists himself as Rap / Grime / Western Swing. I was with him all the way until western swing. He knows that’s, like, Bob Wills and the Texas Playboys, right? Right? Because, as there’s no indication he’s kidding, he has to know what western swing is, right? Actually, who wants to bet me $20 that Lexxcoop has never even heard of Bob Wills? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

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