I’m not a fan of Britney Spears and this is after repeatedly looking at her baby hatch (usually, a pretty easy sell on liking someone is seeing their twazzer). But I am a fan of meltdowns and boy, has this former Mousketeer had a pretty good one (as meltdowns go). Who better to give us an opinion on what we already know than someone who once had to stand between Britney and the vagina-hungry, paranoia-inducing public? Here, in its unedited glory, is an interview with Britney Spears’ former publicist. …And when you speak of Superstarcastic.com, speak well.
NOTE: It’s already been suggested that this is parody. I can assure you that if it were parody, you’d be laughing your ass off instead of just giggling. I’ve been friends with Britney’s former publicist for over a decade and haven’t had the opportunity to ask him about her until now, when she went all Sinead on us (and doesn’t look nearly as good as Sinead does). This is the real deal here.
1) Do you want me to mention your name and relationship with Britney?
Let’s just say I was the person who got her where she is today… I was her first publicist for “Baby One More Time” when I was at Jive Records. For the first two years, I was always with her… at parties, photoshoots, interviews, TV appearances, you name it. She was my kid and I was her babysitter… of sorts.
2) How well do you know Britney?
I used to know her really well… I was even thanked on a few of her albums.. but these days? I used to think that Christina Aguilera was the nutso one. Seems like I got it all wrong.
3) In your professional opinion as a publicist, has Britney gone batshit crazy?
At first, I thought she was becoming the new Tara Reid, but then *BA BAM* hello Margot Kidder. If I was her publicist, I would have pulled her back from the FIRST crotch shot because I’m sorry, but flashing your kibbles once can be intriguing, but more than once? They become nasty bits.
Has she gone “crazy”? Nah. At first, it was a typical response to fading pop fame… the “publicity at any cost” tactic. We’ve seen it with Lindsay Lohan… We’ve seen it with Nick Carter… We’ve even seen it with Macauley Culkin. But with Brit, her main problem was that not only was her fame falling, but she also took on too much responsibility JUST as that started to happen, otherwise known as “kids”. She doesn’t have the slightest idea what it means to have kids. And one of the problems that kids bring to pop music is that everyone once thought of her as smokin’ hot… but now that she’s dropped placenta, ummm… not so hot. And she saw that happening, so instead of going into “mom” mode, she retaliated and went into Crazy Whitney mode.
Now looking at this in a publicity angle, this is the PERFECT set-up, sad to say. She’s hit rock bottom. She’s back in rehab as of yesterday (we’ll see how long THIS lasts) and she has a lot of rebuilding to do. And what better “symbol” to do it with, but with her extreme haircut. As she gets her life back together, she’s going to go through different hairstyles. People are gonna be ravenous for this info… and if I were still her publicist, I would be building this up as the triumph of the year. By year’s end, her hair will be back and she’ll release a new album. But the set-up getting there is perfect. Every time she takes a positive step, it’s worth a press release. Soon, she’ll be an advocate for alcoholism, drunk driving, unfit mothers, etc. You name the dysfunction, she can be spokesmodel. By end of the year, if this all works well, she’ll be on Oprah, Leno, Letterman… She’ll have covers of Seventeen, Entertainment Weekly, Vanity Fair. I’d be psyched to be her publicist right now.
4) On a scale of Cate Blanchette (1) to Tom Cruise(10), with Michael Jackson being Tom Cruise with bonus points, how crazy is she?
I’m gonna go conservative and give her a 3. She’s having a mental breakdown, but she’s not psychotic… She’s just misguided (haha, I’m not even her publicist and I’m being protective of her).
5) If you were still working as her publicist, what would you advise to repair this situation?
Hmmm… I’d make sure it was a looooong, drawn out and successful recovery. No one believes a short recovery. Look at Lindsay. She was branded a freakazoid party drunktard. Pics of her boozing and drunk everywhere were all over Perez Hilton and Pink Is the New Blog. And she went into rehab and stayed there for a few weeks (not long enough). So now she’s out and pics of her at parties are surfacing but she’s not drinking alcohol or drunk. Gossip mongers are waiting for her to slip up because it wasn’t much of a struggle because it was too short.
If Britney draws out her recovery to, say, four months, then it’ll be much more of a triumph in the press. It’ll look like she had deep demons to battle and the longer it takes, the more sympathy you get.
But she should start keeping a blog where people can go and read about her progress. And hell, I’d advise her to be overly melodramatic in the beginning… And each time something good happens, herald it with a “tearful” entry.
As more people get involved with her “personal thoughts”, the more sympathy she’ll gather and the more forgiving people will be. Three months into therapy (and not sooner), she should write an entry about how she had an epiphany and realized the downward spiral she was on could have killed her.
However, she should NOT become overly religious or overzealous cuz then people will think she’s a bible banger… and that’s not a good look. Look what it did for Kirk Cameron.
At six months, she should re-emerge and try to re-integrate back into society… BUT keep writing in the journal and start talking about how hard it is to resist temptation…
Then eight months, she should have a relapse, but not a bad one… Just a minor one. And let the paparazzi have a field day with it, so she can come out the next day and in a tearful confession, talk about falling off the wagon, so she can reappear to be human again.
And then around Christmas time, she should be on Oprah, Leno, Letterman, Ellen and talk about how recovery and the support of her fans was the BEST Christmas present she could have ever gotten, or some other happy horseshit like that… and then announce that she’s releasing an album in February.
And then *BA BAM* she’s back on top.
6) Was K-Fed’s baby batter keeping her sane?
Dude, I’ve hung out with K-Fed… Let’s just say that guy should NOT be having babies. Nice enough guy, but wow…
7) Seriously, what’s going on? Was she trying to start a new trend or just going through some sort of cokehead paranoia?
It’s called “failure”. The album she delivered to Jive Records was reportedly HORRENDOUS. So that, coupled with K-Fed, coupled with kids and all that responsibility, coupled with the gossips saying that she’s over, pushed her waaaaay over the edge.
God, I hope it’s not a trend.
9 Comments »
I agree with hotshotrobot, there’s this whole Demi Moore in G.I. Jane/Sigourney Weaver in Alien III thing going on there that is pretty dope.
Kudos, Tyler, for asking the hard-hitting questions we all need answered. Namely: “Was K-Fed’s baby batter keeping her sane?”
I think she’ll look even hotter when it starts growing back and she has this kind of butch femme thing happening.
Oliver. Honey. No. A mullet does not qualify as a butch-femme haircut.
And to the rest of you… she looks like Riff Raff.
Wait, Christine. You sure the Indigo Girls would agree with that?
While you make an excellent point, that was in the 80s. Kim Wilde also had a mullet in the 80s.
i think she needed to shave her hair.
its a fresh start.
this was fun to read.
i dont think she’s ever looked better…imagine if she was just now releasing “baby one more time” and THIS is how she looked…it would be a total success with a completely different crowd.
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Comment by hotshotrobot — February 21, 2007 @ 12:58 pm
Am i the only one who thinks that midway-thru-shaving Britney photo is…um…really hot?
Maybe it’s just my taste for batshit crazy chicks.