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I’m not a fan of Britney Spears and this is after repeatedly looking at her baby hatch (usually, a pretty easy sell on liking someone is seeing their twazzer). But I am a fan of meltdowns and boy, has this former Mousketeer had a pretty good one (as meltdowns go). Who better to give us an opinion on what we already know than someone who once had to stand between Britney and the vagina-hungry, paranoia-inducing public? Here, in its unedited glory, is an interview with Britney Spears’ former publicist. …And when you speak of Superstarcastic.com, speak well.

NOTE: It’s already been suggested that this is parody. I can assure you that if it were parody, you’d be laughing your ass off instead of just giggling. I’ve been friends with Britney’s former publicist for over a decade and haven’t had the opportunity to ask him about her until now, when she went all Sinead on us (and doesn’t look nearly as good as Sinead does). This is the real deal here.

1) Do you want me to mention your name and relationship with Britney?

Let’s just say I was the person who got her where she is today… I was her first publicist for “Baby One More Time” when I was at Jive Records. For the first two years, I was always with her… at parties, photoshoots, interviews, TV appearances, you name it. She was my kid and I was her babysitter… of sorts.

2) How well do you know Britney?

I used to know her really well… I was even thanked on a few of her albums.. but these days? I used to think that Christina Aguilera was the nutso one. Seems like I got it all wrong.

3) In your professional opinion as a publicist, has Britney gone batshit crazy?

At first, I thought she was becoming the new Tara Reid, but then *BA BAM* hello Margot Kidder. If I was her publicist, I would have pulled her back from the FIRST crotch shot because I’m sorry, but flashing your kibbles once can be intriguing, but more than once? They become nasty bits.

Has she gone “crazy”? Nah. At first, it was a typical response to fading pop fame… the “publicity at any cost” tactic. We’ve seen it with Lindsay Lohan… We’ve seen it with Nick Carter… We’ve even seen it with Macauley Culkin. But with Brit, her main problem was that not only was her fame falling, but she also took on too much responsibility JUST as that started to happen, otherwise known as “kids”. She doesn’t have the slightest idea what it means to have kids. And one of the problems that kids bring to pop music is that everyone once thought of her as smokin’ hot… but now that she’s dropped placenta, ummm… not so hot. And she saw that happening, so instead of going into “mom” mode, she retaliated and went into Crazy Whitney mode.

Now looking at this in a publicity angle, this is the PERFECT set-up, sad to say. She’s hit rock bottom. She’s back in rehab as of yesterday (we’ll see how long THIS lasts) and she has a lot of rebuilding to do. And what better “symbol” to do it with, but with her extreme haircut. As she gets her life back together, she’s going to go through different hairstyles. People are gonna be ravenous for this info… and if I were still her publicist, I would be building this up as the triumph of the year. By year’s end, her hair will be back and she’ll release a new album. But the set-up getting there is perfect. Every time she takes a positive step, it’s worth a press release. Soon, she’ll be an advocate for alcoholism, drunk driving, unfit mothers, etc. You name the dysfunction, she can be spokesmodel. By end of the year, if this all works well, she’ll be on Oprah, Leno, Letterman… She’ll have covers of Seventeen, Entertainment Weekly, Vanity Fair. I’d be psyched to be her publicist right now.

4) On a scale of Cate Blanchette (1) to Tom Cruise(10), with Michael Jackson being Tom Cruise with bonus points, how crazy is she?

I’m gonna go conservative and give her a 3. She’s having a mental breakdown, but she’s not psychotic… She’s just misguided (haha, I’m not even her publicist and I’m being protective of her).

5) If you were still working as her publicist, what would you advise to repair this situation?

Hmmm… I’d make sure it was a looooong, drawn out and successful recovery. No one believes a short recovery. Look at Lindsay. She was branded a freakazoid party drunktard. Pics of her boozing and drunk everywhere were all over Perez Hilton and Pink Is the New Blog. And she went into rehab and stayed there for a few weeks (not long enough). So now she’s out and pics of her at parties are surfacing but she’s not drinking alcohol or drunk. Gossip mongers are waiting for her to slip up because it wasn’t much of a struggle because it was too short.

If Britney draws out her recovery to, say, four months, then it’ll be much more of a triumph in the press. It’ll look like she had deep demons to battle and the longer it takes, the more sympathy you get.

But she should start keeping a blog where people can go and read about her progress. And hell, I’d advise her to be overly melodramatic in the beginning… And each time something good happens, herald it with a “tearful” entry.

As more people get involved with her “personal thoughts”, the more sympathy she’ll gather and the more forgiving people will be. Three months into therapy (and not sooner), she should write an entry about how she had an epiphany and realized the downward spiral she was on could have killed her.

However, she should NOT become overly religious or overzealous cuz then people will think she’s a bible banger… and that’s not a good look. Look what it did for Kirk Cameron.

At six months, she should re-emerge and try to re-integrate back into society… BUT keep writing in the journal and start talking about how hard it is to resist temptation…

Then eight months, she should have a relapse, but not a bad one… Just a minor one. And let the paparazzi have a field day with it, so she can come out the next day and in a tearful confession, talk about falling off the wagon, so she can reappear to be human again.

And then around Christmas time, she should be on Oprah, Leno, Letterman, Ellen and talk about how recovery and the support of her fans was the BEST Christmas present she could have ever gotten, or some other happy horseshit like that… and then announce that she’s releasing an album in February.

And then *BA BAM* she’s back on top.

6) Was K-Fed’s baby batter keeping her sane?

Dude, I’ve hung out with K-Fed… Let’s just say that guy should NOT be having babies. Nice enough guy, but wow…

7) Seriously, what’s going on? Was she trying to start a new trend or just going through some sort of cokehead paranoia?

It’s called “failure”. The album she delivered to Jive Records was reportedly HORRENDOUS. So that, coupled with K-Fed, coupled with kids and all that responsibility, coupled with the gossips saying that she’s over, pushed her waaaaay over the edge.

God, I hope it’s not a trend.

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hey, remember a few months ago when i became infatuated with tom schraeder(’s voice)? well, check out his answers to our 5 questions and you will be right there with me. i mean, check out the show he put together for #2…what a genius. i guess if you are putting together an imaginary concert you might as well go all the way, right?

oh yeah, i guess i should mention that besides having great taste in musicians and pepe lepew cartoons, tom schraeder can sing too…mosey over to his myspace after you read through his answers and give it a listen.

1. when historians listen to your most recent CD 1000 years from now, what will they say?
Well, since I am only releasing on vinyl, I believe they would say…”This shit is dusty!”

2. if you could play a show with any band/musician living or dead, who would you pick and why? I am going against the rules and picking the full show. here it goes…
The night begins with me opening so after I can get as drunk as I want and enjoy the evening. After my show, Townes Van Zandt does a thirty minute set while the band James sets up. They open their set with “Say Something” featuring me as a special guest and ending their set with “Out To Get You.” As the techs change over the set Tom Waits plays solo tracks from Frank’s Wild Years and Closing Time with a special encore singing “Sins of my Father” from his Real Gone record. By this time, the stage is set up for Wilco (with Jay Bennet back in the band) who calls out special guests Keith Richards, Gram Parsons, Paul Westerberg, and Elvis to do the harmonies on “My Darling” and closing the set with “Via Chicago” featuring Chicago’s own Curtis Evans. Now opening for the headliner Muddy Waters DJs and some how knows about My Bloody Valentine and plays “When You Sleep” followed by Bob Dylan “One More Cup of Coffee”. By this time the headliner comes on and invites me to play guitar with him. I replied, “Mr. Lennon I just want to watch and drink Jameson with a cigarette. Would you like a shot and a smoke?” He replies “um sure Tom.”

3. what is the strangest band-related dream (one of) you have had?
James Taylor’s tour bus broke down so played his show on the side of expressway. While I was watching from the over pass Carly Simon walked past and definitely then had amazing dream sex with her. James Taylor rudely interrupted and I awoke because he was not a happy person, in fact, I do believe he was pretty close to going OJ on Carly’s and my ass.

4. what do your fans look like?
Well, in the midst of the “Hipster Era” most likely they would be wearing a specific style of clothing. Most likely the women would wear cowboy boots with glow in the dark Polka dot nylons. They only carry a hand made purse while wearing a real vintage Punky Brewster t-shirt. They order PBRs some with limes, some without. The Men can’t get away from Chuck Taylors held together by duct tape. Normally rather tight Jeans with hair to their side and always in their face. Once again the drink of choice is PBR and their cigarette is of course a Parliament Light.

5. what bullshit do you run into at most every show that makes you think “man, this bullshit again?”
That “Freebird” shout out shit. It’s reminds me of when your family sings Happy Birthday and that same family member every damn year says “and many more!” which results in each family member doing that fake breathy laugh for one second until they realize “wow that’s pretty fucking stupid.”

bonus question: why won’t you forget to tip your bartender?
Because bartenders are a big part of my existence, without them my addiction would be pretty fucked.

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So what if the album is more than six months old?  I just got it a few weeks ago and I like it.  To wit: 

A Grammy nod is usually a warning sign to a contrarian like me, but Corinne Bailey Rae’s nominations for Record of the Year, Song of the Year, and Best New Artist didn’t turn me off – they made me sad, because I didn’t know what a big deal she was when I got my first taste and thought I had her all to myself.  I was suddenly back in high school, having finally cornered the girl I’d had a crush on all semester, and she’s really talking to me!  We’re totally hitting it off, and when the bell rings I think that we’re the only two people on earth, but she’s already down the hall talking to friends and other guys as I walk away, and I’ve dropped off the radar like John Denver’s Long-EZ.

Corinne Bailey Rae’s self-titled debut is full of intelligent comfort music, complete with themes that have been part of love songs since crooners started crooning.  But you can only listen to Carol King sing about disappointment, redemption, and love so many times until you need to hear someone else’s take on the matter.  The first few times through Bailey Rae’s inaugural offering were on par with being introduced to Tapestry, and she has made some new songs to transport us to that same ol’ place.

‘Like a Star’ is an inauspicious but not lame start to the record.  It’s not a brazen attention-getter, and she doesn’t resort to wrenching melismas and upper-octave squealing to get our attention, which is why I liked it so much and kept listening.  From the start, Rae is looking for love, but she’s no floozy; she’s not competing for our attention, just bearing her soul for four minutes at a time in her coy but confident voice.  You get the impression that she isn’t even aware of how awesome she is.

‘Put Your Records On’ is a nearly perfect pop song, both as a time capsule of its day, and also a relevant anachronism (records? what?), giving a little something for the kids as well as Old School folks to feast upon.  She’s talking to all girls, whether they prefer 45’s or downloadss, without the diva call to arms of, ”be yourself, girl - here’s how!”  On the contrary, these are the wise words of a woman comfortable with herself and who took her own advice.

There are a few contrived moments (this is award-winning pop music, after all), like she’s trying to make herself more attractive than is womanly possible, but at her most ostensibly honest and believable (which covers most of the album), she’s the girl I’ve always wanted to meet.  The occasionally-noticeable British accent doesn’t hurt either.  “I’ll be honest - I want you to be mine,” she sings on ‘Breathless’ to a friend-with-potential, and makes a convincing case.  Less tension would have rendered the next track ’I'd Like To’ a forgettable throwaway (think Samantha Fox ‘Touch Me’), but her combination of confidence and need is more fetching than an excess of either.

To focus on her sweet and likeable qualities is to ignore that this record has got heart enough to bring us back to the years when soul music earned its title.  She not straining to prove that she’s got soul - it comes through with ease - and if her voice wavers, it’s not from weakness, but from an emotional groundswell.  She also reminds that the power of soul and R&B lies not in a braggadocio’s self-importance, but in the strength to express absence and longing for what is just out of reach.  She wants what she doesn’t have, but you’re not worried that she’ll never find it.

The production crew gets a lot of credit too.  One of my favorites, ‘Call Me When You Get This’, starts out like Nelson Riddle doing an arrangement for the Delphonics, and settles into something that Marvin Gaye would have wanted for What’s Going On.  Even when the lyrics are at their most basic (”won’t say that I’m falling in love, tell me I don’t seem myself, couldn’t I blame something else?”) the horns, Fender Rhodes (my favorite), and strings arrangements via 1970 lend to them a depth and earnestness that make the simple appear profound.  Modern pop and soul singers have covered the gamut of available topics (love, loss, respect, passion), but rare is new life breathed into them that makes them worth revisiting and replaying.  Corinne Bailey Rae has done it.

9/10, Capitol

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So i was just poking through my Livejournal in an attempt to find a version of my classic “why i fucking detest Weezer” rant in an effort to begin with some pre-written crib notes and avoid starting over from scratch, lest i be forced to commit myself to a tedious “oh, for fuck’s sake, this story again?” romp through the nethers of my brain. Instead, i found a gem of a tale from April of last year, in which my friend, the then-city editor of Milwaukee’s version of The Onion, took me along to witness the live spectacle that is Devo 2.0–live in a grade school. Join me, gentle reader, as i take a stroll through memory lane into one of the craziest, most subversively fucked-up, and in all seriousness, entertaining adventures of my rock ‘n’ roll existence. That’s right kids–it’s a Recycled Tale of Rock ‘N’ Roll!^TM Read more »

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I should be honest: up until now, I haven’t really listened to a whole lot of Minus The Bear. My first and last time doing so before preparing to review this album was while road-tripping with a friend, who said, as he turned up the volume, “These guys are great, they sing about drinking and philosophy.”

“Really original topic for a guy to sing about,” I thought to myself, “and how like some of the asshats I’ve dated! Tell me, would you like some Paxil with that Bertrand Russell?”

Uh… yeah. To make a long story short, I never got into MTB–my impressions of them were that, though they were definitely following in the footsteps of Dismemberment Plan musically, they were more of a boys’ club lyrically. By my standards, they were backsliding (I’m not saying that chicks aren’t into also into drinking and philosophy, it’s just that we covered that territory years ago when Indigo Girls released “Closer to Fine”). Anyway, like D-Plan, Minus The Bear are putting out that automatic indie yawn-trigger–an album of remixes. Unlike A People’s History of The Dismemberment Plan, which is a retrospective of D-Plan’s career, Interpretaciones Del Oso is a reinterpretation of MTB’s second album, Menos el Oso. Wow, that reminds me–remember when The Faint remixed their third album and it really sucked?

So to recap, dear reader, there were up to three strikes against this album–(1) boy’s club, (2) oh-god-not-another-album-remix, and (3) it’s a little early in the band’s musical career to do (2)–before I even threw it on my decks.

Except that, well–oh God, shoot me now–I kinda *liked* it. And this is after test-driving it in the kitchen, the living room, AND the bedroom. Oh yes, that’s right. I was NAPPING to it. On the one hand, that’s not a particularly ringing endorsement, but on the other? Whoever parsed MTB into something to which I could get shut-eye (it was a GOOD nap, people, a really wonderful winter nap) is somewhat talented, and knows that the way for the indie neopatriarchy to best invade my subconscious is to do it in my sleep. It’s true that the remixes in and of themselves don’t rely on much not already done in electronica for years–I mean, some of this sounds like the soundtrack for “The X-Files”–but it’s an interesting product considering the kind of material being parsed.

The other way in which this album sets itself apart from other remix collections is that it’s cohesive. Unlike a lot of electronic “interpretations” of other artists, which generally feature a few highlights and a majority of lowlights (I’m thinking, for example, the juxtaposition of 808 State’s brilliant remix of “Made of Stone” with some of the other more “WTF??” remixes on the Stone Roses’ The Remixes album) Interpretaciones Del Oso sounds less like a comp and more like an actual album. It’s a bit of an impressive feat to come up with an overall mood for a remix album (on the other hand, the overall mood may also arise from the fact that the mixes, though well-done, are still somewhat standard fare).

My favorite track at the moment is the Alias remix of MTB’s erstwhile single “Pachuca Sunrise.” It’s true that it reminds me a little of, like, Anggun (you might remember her track “Snow on the Sahara” from the Lilith Fair Free Music Sampler, Volume 1), with a delicious patriarchal twist. “Don’t cry / I’ll bring this home to you”? Ya know, I think I kind of like my caveman hunter-gatherer ballads melted down into mellow electronic beats.

Release date: February 20, 2007
Label: Suicide Squeeze Records

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Lucinda Williams is someone it’s fashionable to like, and although it’s early in the year yet, I’ve heard enough about West from any number of sources to be fairly confident that it’s going to show up on quite a few year-end lists. And I’ll be straight up with you — if it does, it’s going to be solely on reputation, voted in there by people who still go to sleep with their copies of Car Wheels on a Gravel Road playing. There’s certainly nothing in the actual album to justify that measure of adulation, or really, any adulation at all.

Shockingly, given Williams’ legendary obsessiveness with the production of her albums, this is a CD with no sonic signature at all; remove the vocals, and it could be Patty Griffin, or Carter Wood, or any number of other singers mining the same sort of laid-back, dreamy Americana. It’s got all of the requirements: reverb-heavy guitars that don’t actually do much, plenty of background organ chords, and drum parts that probably only require one hand to play. Every once in a while, a bit of distortion comes in, or the sound is interrupted by a passing violin. But it all sounds like Lucinda-by-numbers, a frankly uninteresting rehash of things that not only she but plenty of other people have already done better.

Plus, Williams’ voice, never perhaps her strongest asset, sounds particularly damaged and unsteady on this album. She gropes for the pitches in a manner that makes Bob Dylan look like Luciano Pavarotti. Maybe it’s simply a taste I haven’t acquired, but I found the vocals uncomfortably grating, and I was distracted every time she started singing again after a break.

Finally, Williams’ greatest talent is supposed to be as a songwriter, but the songwriting on this album is pedestrian at best, pure hackwork at worst. The opening cut, “Are You Alright?” seems to be an attempt to set the record for most times the title of a song can be used in the lyrics. This is followed by “Mama You Sweet,” which begins with the phrase “I love you Mama, you sweet,” repeated four times — I half expected it to keep going for the rest of the song. By the time it got to “Unsuffer Me,” which, I kid you not, starts out with Lucinda unironically declaring, “Unlock my love and set me free, come fill my soul with ecstasy,” I was almost in disbelief. Even a third-rate eurotrance act busy writing their lyrics using a Flemish-English rhyming dictionary would have rejected that particular cliche.

There’s only one song on the album that doesn’t sound like the above-described, and if anything, it’s far, far worse. “Wrap My Head Around That,” all 9+ minutes of it, is Lucinda rapping over a sort of A Tribe Called Quest-rejected bass and organ line. I’m not actually sure I’ve ever heard worse rapping, with fewer interesting rhymes and less of a sense of the all-important “flow.” Nothing comes to mind. Compared to Lucinda, Vanilla Ice’s mike-rocking skills are positively breathtaking. “I know I’m missing something, or something’s missing here and there / and all over and over, around, and up and everywhere,” she declaims, as though it were actually supposed to mean something. Astounding.

I really can’t think of a reason to recommend this album to anyone without a fanatical interest either in Williams or in Americana in general. The only reason that I’m glad I suffered through it is so that I can have a good reason to clench both my fists and my teeth when I have to read about how wonderful it is again come December.

Release date: Feb. 13, 2007
Label: Lost Highway
Rating: 3/10

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